It's 2am on a Sunday night and instead of pulling down my sleep mask and pulling up my covers, I find myself thinking. No matter how hard I try to rest my busy thoughts, they continue to run sporadically through the past, the present, and the ideal future. Usually, this would be the time where I curl up in a ball on the verge of tears--tired, confused, and frustrated--but lately I don't mind letting my thoughts roam free. Lately, these thoughts are concerned with my better half, Jeff.
Isn't it funny how when you're completely enamored with someone you can relate anything, I mean ANYTHING, to that person? For example, at the bottom of this text box are examples of "Labels for this post." Though the three examples listed are completely random, irrelevant, and odd things to blog about, within an instant I can relate each individual suggested label with a separate and reminiscent story, centered around my boyfriend. The suggested labels read as follows: "scooters, vacation, fall." While the first two labels will probably evoke obvious memories amongst mutual friends and even co-workers, the last label remains a joke between us (and will probably for awhile). Aside from thoughts of constantly relating Jeff to things around me, however, I have also found myself devoting a lot of time to trying to piece together our past through memories. There is no doubt that our relationship has been a long road, but it's hard to distinguish how and where everything came together. I suppose we just took the baby-steps over time and for that sake the universe just unfolded as it was meant to. There were ups, there were definitely downs, there was heartbreak, there was unrivaled happiness, there were subplots, there were antiheroes--everything you see in the movies--everything you experience in life.There are a lot of things that people don't know about the origins of my relationship with Jeff. I don't really care that hardly anyone knows anything about how we came to be together--I just never understood why everyone else seemed to be so concerned with it. To be honest, I don't mind sharing it (if you really do want to know, that is), if you don't care to hear though, I suggest you stop reading, here. I cannot promise that I can fill you in on every detail, many have gotten lost along the wayside as memories tend to do, but I can promise you, that the story is better than any romantic movie--because this love story is actually true.Unfortunately, this story begins as one of the most painful events, thus far, in my life, descended over me in the form of lies, betrayal, and a break-up. After nearly nine months of dating, I became informed that my boyfriend wanted to "go on a break" and "see what else was out there." To soften the proposal of a break, he also told me he: "ha[d] no idea if he liked me as a girlfriend or just a friend," hinting that he seemed to be leaning towards the latter. After hours of tears and self-doubt, Jeff was the first person (outside of my family) to offer me any kind of encouragement and support. Ironically, he was one of the last people I would've expected to hear from. Not only had we been merely casual acquaintances up until that point, but we had not spoken in months. Despite all this though, fate somehow brought us together. This is how it all began.
On January 28, 2008, an hour after breaking up with the past, I began realizing the potential of the future. I realized how relationships should be, how I should have been treated, and most importantly, how I was already being treated. That same night, at my lowest point, Jeff met me at Friendlys and made me smile--legitimately smile--for the first time in days. Over ice cream he comforted me in the way I needed to be comforted, by talking about anything and everything. When he hugged me before we departed on our respective ways I could feel all of the emotions built up inside of me collapse into his arms, relieving me of the pain I was feeling--liberating my fear. I have never been so moved by a hug in my entire life.
After this, we continued to rendezvous, first at Bosquet where we went skiing and shared some of the most amazing conversations about nothing (Seinfeld would be proud), then again at a Vampire Weekend Concert at Williams College. After this concert, we once again found ourselves in Friendlys, where Jeff confessed his feelings for me. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, that was also the same night that my sister revealed to me that she still had feelings for Jeff, as well. Torn and confused I reverted to indifference out of fear and a week later began dating another admirer as what I suppose would be called coping mechanism.
(To be honest though, I really did have strong feelings for Jeff, in a way I always did. He was always a person I wanted to talk to, but was too afraid to address. When we finally did become friendly, I realized that we could talk about absolutely anything--we had the same interests, the same sense of humor, the same views and morals: he soon became my favorite person to talk to and remains so today.)
After successfully breaking the one person's heart that I never wanted to even scratch, to save the heart of the other one person I never wanted to harm, my sister, I spent the next few months with my own heart compromised. As I tried to convince myself that I was happy, I slowly realized that I was frustrated and indifferent. As I tried to convince myself that I felt a connection with my boyfriend, I found myself sneaking more and more seductive glances at Jeff. As I tried to imagine an ideal situation, I realized that it was long off and miles of stress away. When I finally could take no more of this, my faux-relationship ended, as we both realized the disconnect between us, and I slowly began to secretly rebel against my reasoning: setting my heart free to pursue the man I could not get off my mind, in secret.
We spent the summer together, under cover of night. Confined to obscure restaurants, cars, and parks we discovered the depths of our passion as we continued to go out of our way to remain a secret: as we went out of our way to maintain our happiness. Though some of the most stressful months, they became of the happiest. The innocent cheek-pecks turned to passionate kisses as the leaves turned from green to orange and on the brink of autumn we found ourselves inseparable. Unfortunately, fall meant change: fall meant distance. Now officially a couple, known to ourselves and ourselves alone, we agonizingly spent the first month of our relationship 2 hours apart, at different ends of the state. Sustained by late-night telephone calls and a constant flow of text messages we made it through the miserable month and were reunited, but only for a short time. After this separation, we decided to never experience its pain again.
We spent the following months in perfect bliss, visiting each other on the weekends and making up for lost time. Finally, in December I confronted my sister, telling her that I had been dating Jeff for awhile--a situation that had nearly given me an ulcer for fear of losing either of the two. Surprisingly, she was happy for me and subsequently over Jeff. We were in the clear. Later that day, we became official (or at least, "Facebook Official"). And the rest, I suppose, is history (as they say.)
So there you have it: In case you were curious, Yes, Jeff and I have more-or-less been dating since the end of January 2008. Officially dating since August 21, 2008. Facebook Officially dating since December 2008.
We have been together through the highs and the lows, the laughter and the tears, the anxiety and the ecstasy and are stronger for it. I know I'm young and probably naive, I know a lot of people say this foolishly (including myself at one time), but I know above all else, that I love Jeff with my entire heart. I don't care if you understand or if you don't care whatsoever, but I needed to say it. After everything I've been through with him, I find it impossible to not say it.
And so the Princess, for once, was rescued by her Knight in Shining Armor who rode off with her into the sunset, towards a happily ever after.
No comments:
Post a Comment